Hopeless rant

The whole goddamn internet is crashing down. I can't access shit.

Fuck it fuck it fuck it.

I should go up to the mountains and live like in the good old days before technology. Thing is we don't have any mountains around here.

Bäbisar (that's Swedish for babies)

Earlier today I was at a birthday party for my second cousin, who turned 25. That family has more babies popping out every year, constantly, grandchildren and sister's babies and so on. There were about five babies running around the place today, not one of them being one year old yet.

Here's the thing.

I sort of panic around babies.

There was this one kid who my dad was particularly fond of, who we were told had great puking tendencies. That was not helping. And when my dad decided to drop the kid off in my lap - I swear everyone there saw the fear in my eyes.
It occured to me, that I have like never held a baby in my life. I'm the youngest in my family, and all my cousins and relatives are way older than I am, except for a couple who are not that much younger. So, babies have never been in my life.

I recalled though that I once held a baby on the bus into town, for a short while. Her mother lives in my village and is living in exile, and when we were supposed to leave the bus she had a problem with a lady who was bugging her perambulator (or whatever) and she turned around to me and asked if I could hold her baby. Then she just gave me the girl before I could answer. There I was, on the bus, with an unknown baby in my arms. I don't know the mother. But the baby girl was cute. I suppose I think that because she didn't scream while I held her.

Anyways, I'm not too comfortable with babies. I just don't know how to handle them.

I need to go wash my hands. I have dried baby spit all over them. Ew.

One human year

Today is my youngest dog's birthday. Lotus is one year today. You can find him in Molly's Gallery of Dogs (on Dan San Souci's Clubhouse Books website): http://www.clubhousebooks.com/mollys_gallery.htm

As you can imagine, that pup is the most precious little creature in the universe if you ask me. But if he suddenly decides to bark through the whole night without reason, and keeping me awake in the process, I can alter to slightly annoyed. But I don't love him less. Besides, he's the perfect model when I'm getting to know my new camera.

I need a break from the world

Which totally contradicts all I wrote in my last post. But things change, and so do people.
I hate some people, and I miss others. Sometimes I hate the people I miss.

I've been working on a story, an idea I've had for a long time but haven't really gotten emotionally involved or ambitiously active with, and it's eating up my mind fast as hell. Every thought in my head is completely wrapped up in this story, and since I gather inspiration from everything I see in life, the ideas never stop coming. I need to straight it all out before it gets too much too handle.

Oh, I have received my first hater. At first I was just annoyed with how utterly stupid the person is and wished he would just leave me alone, but now I'm starting to embrace his disliking because with the future I plan for myself I will meet both lovers and haters of my work and me as a person. Suck it up, kid.

Helpless

You know what I hate?
Homophobia, racism and animal torture - but that's not what I'm going at here.

It's when I'm unintentionally - or intentionally? - cut off from the outside world. More precisely; when people fail to stay in touch with me.

I get paranoid very easily, living in Sweden, so far away from it all. This has never been where I want to be, this has never been where I belong. But I have to cope for the time being. So I do my best to interact with the other side, across oceans and skies. But every now and then, there's a pause in the interaction and I'm left alone in a sulky town in this end of the world.

I know that people can't prioritize me, and I've never asked for that. But I appreciate keeping contact. And I've always been a confirmation-whore, I'm the first one (and the only one) to say it.

I'm terrified to be forgotten, that's the truth. The greatest fear is being trapped and if I lose all my links I'm left disoriented. Because I know myself how hard it can be to connect with a person that you never see, and sporadic contact won't last forever. Most people have never even met me. How easy is it to grip a relation like that? You tell me.

The reason I bring this up now is because lately people have not kept their word. This is not about someone here in these blog-areas, I might mention. It's other people who promised certain things but decided to blow me off. It seems that everyone is just distancing themselves, without further notice. I'm just so sick of people ignoring me.

So for the love of the devil - don't forget about me! I hope you, all of you, will continue to interact with me, make my days brighter - it's because of you I stay hopeful and dreaming.