"With all my dreams hooked to hospital machines,
I think; let's try redefining beautiful."
Those lyrics hit my life spot on. I've always had very big dreams, and I've had to change and compromise them all to be able to accomplish them. Which is absolutely shitty, since you shouldn't have to mess with your dreams since they are the strongest things you have.
According to me, the most important thing is to have dreams. If you will accomplish them one day, is less important - just having dreams is something we need to survive. We need something to strive for, otherwise there's nothing worthwhile. I do not wish to be content; how could I be, without losing hope?
Big dream number one has always been to leave the country. When I say "always been", I couldn't be more honest - I've never had the thought in my head to stay here. Never. It has just never been an option. I sound like a corny fuck, but I was truly born in the wrong side of the world. My heart has never belonged here, it has always been elsewhere. And I've always known I'd never survive living the rest of my life in Sweden.
My big dreams are the things keeping me going, even though they've also been the main reason for my unhappiness at times. Some dreams I've already accomplished, and some I know I never will. For example, I want to be on Martha Stewart and bake, but I'm well aware of that it will never happen since dear Martha probably will drop dead before I get a chance. I sound mean, don't get me wrong - I love Martha (yes, I'm dorky like that) - but we're all getting older. And besides, I would never like to be as famous as I'd have to be to get on her show. But it's just an innocent little dream, one of the lighter ones; one that's not life-threatening if I let it go.
Now when I've gotten older, I've seen my big dreams turn into big plans. Plans that I will go through with. I don't really have a choice - it's just what has to be done for survival.
Even though I try not to worry too much about tomorrow, I can tell you that nothing has felt so good than to see those dreams turn into plans. It's amazing to wake up one day and realize that I have so many opportunities and possibilities ahead of me. We all do.
I don't know what will happen a year from now, but I can't wait to find out.
05 February 2008
If this isn't pouring my heart out, I don't know what is.
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5 comments:
I understand how you feel. Throughout my younger life I wanted to be a marine biologist. As I grew up, and discovered how much fucking math was involved, I became obsessed with art. But, as all REAL dreams go, I decided to push art aside and study acting and earth science (polar opposites).
Once I realized that I had SERIOUS commitment issues to my school's fine arts department, I started looking into art schools, finding The Academy of Art University in San Francisco. I applied and got in, so now I have the future I wanted set.
I too knew that there was nothing in the world that could keep me in my hometown/state, so what's better than the hot, ugly, Arizona desert? California!!
Dreams fade, and dreams come to fruition, but knowing what makes you happy and striving to be a part of that happiness is what makes life worth living.
-Alison
I just realized how freaking lame that last bit sounded.
Laaaaaame.
-A
Haha. I've gotten so lame and corny lately. But I agree with you, that last bit. And wow how awesome you got in to art school! Exciting. I've been looking into film schools but they're so damn expensive, and unless my parents pay (they might) I can't afford it. Either way, it's interesting to hear your story - it seems like we are very much alike, the way we think.
It's funny how people want to come to California so bad, when there I was so ready to leave. I just might not be moving after all. So, we might actually get to hang out next year.
Anyways, I agree with you about dreams, having them whether they come true or not. At the end of the day it's not what you have or don't have that matters, it the experiences you had while getting there.
I'm glad that you're staying April, I'm looking forward to seeing you. And it's good to know that someone agrees with me about dreams, so that I'm not alone thinking that way.
I could actually never see myself living in California, my city has always been New York. But I'd like to try both, I've already been in New York and will probably go back there this summer, and want to experience the west coast too before I make any decision. That's why I'll study in Berkeley. Who knows, CA might sweep me off my feet.
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