Goddamnit, my tea's cold now.

I've been trying for a while now to come up with something new to blog about (and wow, coming from me - I am so not a blogger, I can't even keep a diary for chrissake), but it has seemed kind of pointless. Why? It's not really that nothing has happened. Lots have happened.

I'm stranded educationally. Found out that the course I'm currently taking at univeristy won't have a B level available next term, so what to do? There are no good courses next term. I told Peter - this really nice guy from Bristol who I'm taking the course with - that I feel like I've been fired. And he added: "And you don't know why." True. I am truly left stranded here, I'm not really sure what to do. I don't worry though since I believe everything will work out, but it's annoying nevertheless.

I've found myself in a creative wave. It's nice.

And then there's all the stuff I do with the radio, and the filmmaking. But some things I don't talk about, how I send emails here and emails there and phonecalls all night and time differences and all that jazz. California, Arizona, Tennessee, Australia, London. The lurkers we lurk on and the plans we make. I never mention that here. I don't know if I'm just thinking it's personal or if I'm just lazy.

And then there's of course the worry of having cancer. And I'm not one to worry in general about something, so I have a reason but I'd rather not go into that here. I think talking about my boobs would definitely be considered too personal.

So, as I said - it's not like things don't happen. I just don't believe you're interested in all of it.

I am a total comic nerd

I just spent the evening reading 600 webcomic strips (one strip = one page). Now I have a headache and I can barely type on my keyboard. You have no idea how hard it was for me to type that sentence. And I have to get up early in the morning.

What am I doing with my LIFE.

You'll have to excuse me, I'm on a comic-high right now. Whoopee.

Get me a flight ticket, please

I haven't been out of the country in five months.

It's killing me.

Life?

I woke up this morning, thinking: "So this is when life starts".

I've realized that some of the things I desperately wanted for years, I do not want anymore. Things I've felt bad about not having, I do not care for them anymore. I do not wish to have them.

Now, left without that craving - what do I really want? I'm not sure. I don't care about certain things anymore. Things that used to be the only thing I had. The best thing I had. Now it might all be fading away, but that's not the worst part - if you would call it bad - no, the worst part is that I do not mind that they're slipping. It's just not that very appealing anymore, to have that.

I guess it's like falling out of love. It's just not something you need anymore.

But, fuck.

Then what is it I need? What is it I want?
I do not know anymore.

What?

I dug out my old CD singles today. I remember going into the record store to look at singles. I never buy singles anymore, it's albums or nothing. And I guess that the fact that the local record store burned down is also a reason I'm not buying singles anymore.

I found Modern Talking's "Sexy Sexy Lover". I used to play it all the time, which is ridiculous. 10-year old me didn't know what "sexy sexy lover" meant. I guess... I liked the beat? Hell, who knows. It's a mystery to me, my way of thinking back then.

The reason I got my old singles out is because I had an S Club 7 craving. Yeah, I was a devoted fan of S Club 7. Although I wouldn't call myself a fan since I consider myself to have been braindead until the age of 14 when I started feeling things and started thinking independently. So I'm pretty sure I didn't quite know how to be a fan, not the way I'm a fan of things nowadays anyway. However, I remember dancing in front of the TV to the musicvideo, together with my "little sister" - a girl we've supported and cared for from time to time since she was 5. She and her mom actually came to visit a few days ago. The girl's 14 now. I'm pretty sure she now sees me as out of my mind. Anyways. That dancing thing sounds pretty much like something a fan would do, no? I still can't really bring myself to believe I was thinking clearly enough back then. As you can notice, I don't really have much faith in my old self.

What I've gotten out of this day is the enormous relief and gratitude that I've improved my music taste since then. Tacka Gud för det.